Lyrics – 4. How To Have Sex

Michael Callen
Tops and Bottoms Music (BMI)

There across a crowded room
Stood the man of my dreams
He was a long and lean
mean sex machine
packed in tight 501 jeans
Ooooh, he looked me over
From my head down to my shoes
Then he said “Sorry, boy,
but where you been?
Ain’t you heard the news?”

He said “Oh, no, I’m not crazy,
I don’t take no chance
I don’t kiss, I just reminisce
And I keep it in my pants”

Oh, I’m goin’ crazy
Will someone tell me
what’s a poor boy to do?
They say I can’t do this
and I can’t do that
Oh, I’m soooo confused
Can’t it be like the fantasy?
Can’t it be like it used to be?
Can’t it be like the fantasy?

How to have sex in an epidemic
Without getting caught up in polemic

Home alone, late at night
Takin’ matters into my own hands
Lay back, relax, betamax
playin’ those
“Boys in the Sand”
Achin’, Shakin’
Just a-lookin’ for a little release
When in burst the P.C.
(Politically Correct)
Safe Sex and Thought Police
“Stop right there!
We’ve come to put you to the test
You’d better call your lawyer, boy,
you’re under house arrest.”


Oh, I miss the ’70’s
Things seemed so simple then
So many men, so little time
Ah, I remember when
Where will it end my friends?
Can you tell me? Who can say?
When what is safe
and what is not
Changes day by day
Got a lemon?
Learn to make some lemonAID
Use a rubber, find a lover
in time you will discover
It’s OK to get laid


How to have sex
How to have sex
How to have sex

Vocals: Michael Callen, Richard Dworkin
Synthesizers: Elliot Sokolov, Michael Callen, Richard Dworkin